As the wedding got closer, a big issue was whether to wear African outfits or not. Both of our mothers went so crazy about the wedding, and they insisted on this, but Yisa was against it. For the guest list, Yisa and I were allowed to invite 25 friends each, but our parents invited so many friends, family and colleagues that we actually got to invite far fewer people.
Two weeks before the wedding, Yisa's family in Nigeria conducted an elaborate Nupe wedding ceremony in our honor, complete with a "proxy" Grace and a "proxy" Yisa. The people from Yisa's mother and father's villages of Patigi and Tampafu (the two tribes of his lineage) got together for a huge celebration that lasted an entire week. Sadly, a week before this celebration was to commence and amidst all the excitement, Yisa's grandmother passed away.
West and East African cultures are similar in that they both have a dowry system. So the Friday before the wedding, a bunch of family convened again at my mother's place for the dowry discussion. At first they exchanged stories about the families and everyone laughed together, and then all of sudden the mood got serious and they started talking about the dowry. The process was heated but polite — a battle of politeness, I would say. No one ever said "we want," but they certainly bargained in their own way. "Surely we would accept …" they would say.
Mostly, the uncles — the elders — spoke, made proposals and decided on what was appropriate. The traditional way of conducting a dowry discussion was to start small — goats and chickens — and then the move to cows, since they are the true sign of wealth and respect in our cultures. Then the elders had to politely figure out how the "exchange rate" of cows to the dollar. An agreement was reached that satisfied and honored both families.
Yisa was required to provide my mother with a portion of the dowry in the form of a monetary gift, but the remainder would be paid over time through various good deeds he was obligated perform for my mother. He has to give small gifts of appreciation and be attentive to my mother: a way to pay my dowry bit by bit. It's a traditional African way for a groom to maintain a relationship with his mother-in-law!
Finally the big day came, and everyone was running late. We had to distract the limo driver by offering him food. The weather was stormy, and there were these clouds that seemed to follow the limo to the ceremony — I could see them out of the rear window. Fortunately the weather cleared up and everything turned out beautifully. I guess the ancestors were looking out for me. As we approached the gate of Celebrations by the Bay, I saw Yisa's beautiful sisters in their elegant African dresses, and I broke down in tears.
After our beautiful ceremony, we were ushered into the Vista Ballroom to begin our reception. As we sat down to eat, the sky opened up and heavy rain fell outside. Everyone sighed with relief, because rainfall after a wedding ceremony signifies a blessing from the ancestors.
We both realized that the wedding was in many ways really for our parents, family and friends. Even though we had to accommodate many traditional requirements, in the end we were pleased that everyone enjoyed themselves and that our parents were proud of our efforts. Our wedding was a beautiful balance of the traditional and modern rituals that genuinely reflected our African-American cultures.
